Not My Typical Post
February 23rd 2010 · Read More · Comments(29)
Some days I think my creativity has divorced me. It is usually so easy to find something that inspires me to say something. Just being a blogger here at Crabbysbeach is usually enough to find something that lights a fire in my keyboard.
For the past week, I have meandered around the web, chatting and learning, but missing something so integral to my consciousness. The feeling of being alive, free, and seeing the wonder in all things was lost to me.
I have been worried. My father, who will be 71 on February 28th, will have surgery in mid-April. Though the surgery itself is minor, it is to remove a cancerous growth. It is hard to express, even as a writer, the deep-seated fear that has dug it claws in and refuses to let go.
I hear people saying, “think positive thoughts”, and I do. Nevertheless, telling yourself things will be “fine” is a far cry from believing it in your heart. It is also easier to say it to someone else than believe it when it is your own family member and personal hero.
I refuse to give in to the fear and believe the worst will happen, but I still worry.
For the past ten years, I have been an only child. I lost my brother 10 years ago after an auto accident. I have tried to be both son and daughter to my parents since then. I try to protect my parents in every possible way, yet they continually take off and roam the highways of the United States from ocean to ocean and border to border. (Yes, I can hear you laughing at me.) While this is the privilege they have worked nearly their entire lives to be rewarded with, sometimes I feel like a mother hen. I want to restrict them to their room, but I know that is unfair and unrealistic.
Sometimes I want to scream, “What if something happens to you?” “What if you have a wreck?” “What IF?!!!!?”
I think that my fear stems from wondering not just “What if” but “What then? How will I live without you? How can I possibly go on without your daily communications and knowing you are there? How can I make it on my own without your stabilizing hand and unwavering, never ending love?” These are selfish fears, but they are mine and I acknowledge them as such.
I can only hope and pray to be as a good a parent to my son as my parents have been to me.
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Holley